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Catching Up

The past 3 years have been a nightmare; how much of it was my fault and how much that of others, I cant say. Its not good to try and assign blame to anyone in such delicate, constantly changing situations such as our family has been facing. In a fog of depression and chronic pain, I tried to forget myself to the point that I might not exist, because existence has been so horrible. When I woke up and looked around, I became aware of so many problems and issues that I swung back the other way, thinking I had the power to effect beneficial change. But I had tried so hard to become a ghost that I nearly succeeded. Nobody was listening to anything I had to say. Six months of battling, working, pleading with my parents to at LEAST formulate a plan of action as I watched their health failing....I was alone, and I was frightened out of my wits, and I was limited by my own health problems. I couldnt even bail out....I was broke, sick, essentially helpless.

I finally broke under the strain that they were demanding and that I was expecting of myself. I became overwhelmed, I went into a state of constant panic, until one Tuesday all i could feel was paralyzing terror with absolutely no way out. I shifted upward once again, escalating fear found me pacing the house, literally wringing my hands, unable to stop crying, unable to sleep, unable to find any good solution.

That was when I began to dissociate, to feel myself and my actions were two separate things. My vision became very acute, the environment took on a brittle, crystalline sheen, and suddenly getting in the truck and running myself off an overpass sounded like a really fine idea. I even got in and took a trial run, determining how much speed would be required to bash through a metal guardrail reinforced with thick wooden posts.

Then I knew. I was in danger. The rest of myself came for a visit and notified me that i was in trouble, and dad woke up and took me to a behavioral health hospital where I stayed for 9 days, the first five of which are still a fog.

As I have reached out to people who still cared a bit about me, and listened to them, I am grateful that I have learned my own limitations. I know that being a nurse in an institutional setting never prepares anyone when the people they love are demanding so much 24-7, and are totally non-compliant.

Ive been home for about a month, and the same issues are still here, the same dysfunction, the same blind people. I get the shakes at times, I cry, I call my sister. I've taken some steps toward setting limits, I dont offer myself up for sacrifice, I piss them off greatly. I still have the sensation of walking face-first into driving rain: the only thing to do is to squint hard and keep on diggin'. My heart is bleeding and raw as if it has been sandblasted. In fact, my deities and also the Buddhist "Heart Sutra" have helped me preserve a little of my sanity.

A few very special things have always been in my mind, however. One of them was to never let Pathfyndere go. What is in storage here on LJ is extremely important, not just to me but potentially others. There were some beautiful things happening there. As I recuperate, I intend to devote some time into saving it, Both electronically and on hard copy. That, and the few souls who really know me and care about me, I hope will help me through.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
shadowchilde
Aug. 27th, 2013 08:49 pm (UTC)
I am here for you darling... I have been and will be... I just never knew that it got that bad for you. Not to mention that life continues to spin around us all, pulling us in various directions. Some of those are not the way we want to be going, and some are definately just a running around in circles.

We have to be very careful about our boundries, and even when we are, when we don't have the ability to financially support ourselves that makes us feel less valuable. However, from my personal experience, when I start thinking that I have no worth, I go out and price what it would cost to do all the tasks that I do daily... like taxi service, bookkeeping, maid service, secretary, personal assistant, cook, etc... and then I don't feel so bad. Maybe I should construct a bill for all those services and present it, next time I feel like I'm not being appreciated.

Maybe you should try the same thing. Because you are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for, sister.

I would like to make one suggestion... don't take on the world by yourself. Figure out what you need. Make achievable goals to obtain and then start working on those. Don't take on too many tasks at the same time. Remember to keep it simple. And please, stop beating up on yourself. There are enough things and people around you that are doing it, you don't need to join them.

As someone once said in a movie... "Dying is easy, its living that's hard."

Love Ya Sweetie...

Bright Blessings
azul_ros
Aug. 17th, 2014 01:07 am (UTC)
Oh, dear! That sounds awful. I had no idea! I only knew of your having to have work on your knee through short Facebook updates.
I am glad you're better now, even if you can't escape the circumstances. Spiritual connections are sometimes the only things that keep us going.

I am fearful about having to face something similar as I find myself having to move back in with my mom & her boyfriend. I am not a nurse and I have no training in care taking. I don't want to be in that role! I need to sit down and talk about this with my mom so we can set up a possible action plan. Her good friend who she had given over her medical power of attorney to, just in case, has passed away so that's not going to be in effect now. These are not easy topics but I should get her opinion and find out what she wants to have happen, should the need arise. I can feel it in my bones that my time with her is very limited. Whether she ends up with some chronic illness, or a sudden onset of something worse (her older brother passed from complications due to a rare genetic form of leukemia a few years ago), I know she will not be with me for long. It could be like her mom, where she ends up not recognizing me and not knowing what day it is. Mortality and aging are tough.

I hope you continue to seek self-care as needed. Also realize that eventually that situation you are in *will( change. It's one of the only things that kept me going at my deepest pits of despair over the past 6 years while losing my lifestyle, home, and father.
azul_ros
Aug. 17th, 2014 01:33 am (UTC)
For some reason this is showing up in my "most recent posts" feed, and after I commented I see that this was almost a year ago? I guess that means that most of my other LJ friends are inactive.
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