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War Is Hell

I am having this idea for either a painting or a really good drawing......its welling up inside me, it has to come out. I just have to block out the composition in my mind. My ex-husband is a Vietnam Vet with PTSD. Yes, in many ways I still do love him, you don't stay together as long as we did and not have a connection. I still feel his pain. I took care of a man who was a medic in Vietnam and he gave me this easel upon which I paint and a huge wooden box of paint and brushes before he died. I felt his pain, too. God bless all those boys and bless the 50,000 -------FIFTY THOUSAND------ of those poor kids who died over there.....like my dad said....Lyndon Johnson ruined an entire generation of American youth. How do you get rid of that kind of pain? And the Iraq death toll is up over 4,000 now. Same thing happened to the Korean Vets, the WWII and WWI vets.....just nobody ever spoke of it. The policies of the military admins are NOT helping these people.....forcing more and longer deployments, the total lack of consideration of their psychological health both during and after deployment, the higher suicide rates....why can't they fix this? Some ideas; rotate them in and out faster; the less time you spend in the line of fire, the less damage is done. And if a soldier starts cracking up, get him OUT of there. I have so much more to say about this....but my dogs are hungry. Wonder if they like pizza?
Probably time to put some daylight between myself and AP. I'm not in the mood to get hurt and he doesnt feel quite the same as I do, I dont think. This is probably for the best since he is real busy with moving and all that stuff. I am discouraged. But life goes on and I have to think about myself instead of....as with all my other crazy relationships, give till it hurts.

"I can't make you love me.....if you don't."

Ahhhh, Samhain.

The veil between the worlds DOES grow thin.....I had a dream last night. I went to visit Grandma Rita. She's fine, in fact she is living much as she did while on this plane of existence. She may not even fully understand yet what happened to her. I'm just glad I finally got to see her.

This is what concerned me. Kenny was there, and so was my sister. I didnt interact with my sister that much.....but Kenny. He was not "alive." I know that sounds odd, but I remember finding him laid on his back, still and lifeless, in a suit, with dirt all over the top of him, as if he was just laid in a plain grave and people had sprinkled dirt on him. I remember trying to brush off the dirt and get him to wake up.

I wasn't afraid that the deaths of Kenny and my sister were imminent, I just figured they were going to get there before I do.

Its Fall

And here I am. I'm thinking about how much I have changed in the past year and a half. I used to fly in and work 12-hour shifts, double shifts, any kind of shift....and now one hour on my feet and I am really hurting. My side hurts. My hemoglobin was low yesterday and I am just waiting for the doc to call and tell me to go get a CT instead of a chest x-ray. I just have this feeling......

Thing is, I USED to be so STRONG. Years of life on a farm, horseback riding, hauling wood, working out, and doing the hard lifting of nursing.....I was so strong. Now, I'm not. Thats a tough pill to swallow. I want to be strong again. AND, I just read that for a grade 4 liver laceration you are not supposed to do ANY heavy lifting, nothing strenuous, for like, five MONTHS. (I guess that means I should not have picked mom up off the floor when she fell the other night).

Esoteric Astrology teaches that when you have an afflicted sixth house (I have sun/moon/mars in the sixth with some difficult aspects from Neptune), that whatever gets taken away physically is given back spiritually. I sure do hope that is the case.

And I have absolutely no money. I think I am going to try and sell some art. I dont even have enough money to buy more paint or gessobord. I have 2 small gessobords left. I'm going to put up a gallery on Facebook with painting dimensions and prices. I may try and do prints of my pencils and pen/inks. I have to do something.

*sighs*


SJ